I want…

To drive and drive and drive. 

Without a destination. Just a direction: West, east, north, south. It doesn’t matter. 

I want to feel brave and light and daring. 

I want to feel self-sufficient and self-assured. 

I want to be sleepy at night because I played all day. Like a puppy. 

I want to drink cold water. Cold, cold water and let it cleanse its way through me. 

I want my thoughts to be bigger. They’ve been so small for so long. 

I want it all. But nothing. All the peaceful feelings but not one more thing. 

My mind. Poor thing. Diminished by details. Maybe not all that amazing to begin with; but surely, better than this. 

I need a soul-cleanse. A re-centering. An adjustment. A renewal. 

I jumped out of a plane once. Everything made sense for awhile. But it’s long been foggy. 

I have no desire to jump again. 

Instead, I want to roll. Roll and walk. Out there. Outside. Where spring is being so show-off-y.

Spring with its early pea green color.  

Are you there, God? It’s me. Susan.